We Have Ways
to Make You Talk.

BY RALPH GAMELLI

- - - -

"How much do you think it would hurt if I were to take volume S of the Encyclopaedia Britannica and slam it shut on your nose?"

"This is my friend Ernst. He's German. He doesn't talk, but if he did, he'd speak with a thick German accent. Look at him. Look how German he is. 'Nuff said."

"No one enjoys wet socks. You should know we have plenty of water. And socks."

"See the items on this tray? You'll recognize them from your dentist's office. They tell me this one is the worst. They call it ... dental floss."

"Mr. Shin, meet Mr. Steel-Toed Boot."

"While it's true that sticks and stones will break your bones, everyone knows it's a fallacy that names will never hurt you. We've talked to some people from your past and know which names will cause the most pain, and we're prepared to use them."

"We like to pinch."

"Are you aware that Dolly Parton has recorded over 75 albums in her career? Don't make us prove it."

"Bed-wetter!"

"If you don't talk, I won't give you this dollar." 

Taken from the always entertaining Mcsweenys

The shit i'm feeling:	distressed
The air i'm breathing:	Echo & The Bunnymen

Now I'm going to watch a movie.

 I've been meaning to buy the book as well.

The shit i'm feeling:	awake
The air i'm breathing:	Emily Haines

Taken From McSweeneys

REJECTED
SUBMISSIONS FOR
SEVENTEEN MAGAZINE'S
"DAILY TRAUMARAMA."
BY DEDE PRENO
- - - -

I couldn't believe it! There I was getting ready for lunch when I noticed that my crush was standing right in front of me. He was so gorgeous; I nearly fainted. We kibitzed about the game on Friday as he handed me a large piece of pumpkin pie that I devoured instantly. OOPS!! As soon as we got to the checkout lady I had eaten all my food and his! YIKES! Then I dove across him and started chewing on his left hand! OUCH! He pushed me to the floor, but it was too late. I had swallowed his adorable pinkie finger. Thanks for nothing, Prader-Willi syndrome! I was SOOOOO embarrassed.

—Jessica, 15, North Dallas



The hottie I had been crushing on walked into the Halloween dance looking SOOOOO amazing. His Superman costume fit him so well he could have been the real Superman. I finally decided to listen to the demonic voices in my head and go up and talk to him. SWEAT SWEAT, STINKY SWEAT! I was SOOOO nervous when I got up to him all I could do was scream, "Die, impure one, die!!!" When the security staff finally ripped the Swiss Army knife from my hand, my hottie-boy crush lay lifeless on the linoleum. GRODY!! I looked around and saw that all the upperclassmen were snickering. It was the worst ever! And I totally got entrails on my Marilyn Manson costume. Bummer.

—Phoebe, 17, Salt Lake City

The shit i'm feeling:	worried
The air i'm breathing:	Diane Cluck

So i just finished watching the movie Amores perros by Alejandro González Iñárritu. Wow. One of the most intense films i've ever seen. It also re-affirms my crush on Gael García Bernal. I'm not huge on the domestication of animals ( i love them, don't get me wrong, but some animals are just NOT meant to be pets) but this movie made me hold my puppies in a bear hug and laugh at how literal the title ended up being taken (Note: amores perros translates directly to loves dogs, although i think they were going for the whole love is a bitch spin). If your ever looking for an interesting indie take on drama, this movie works just fine. too fine, perhaps.

besides that, school's good, Life's great. 
I'm too scared to call the hospital and find out how kelsey's doing. I'd like to put it off until sunday. One more day of blissful ignorance.

I need a new great novel to immerse myself in. I'm thinking maybe some Dave Eggers. I'm thinking maybe i should get some sleep.

The shit i'm feeling:	contemplative
The air i'm breathing:	sigur ros

Rosello (history teacher) is becoming more and more flirtateous with his classes and it's extremely hard to keep up the "you're just my teacher" thing when he's so fucking gorgeous. He wants to take us to see a dead body exhibit at the museum? *shrug*.

I keep having these odd bursts of words and almost alternate persona's that are really poetic and fantastical and completely irrelevant to me. I don't do the writer thing, so it's just going to waste. Inspiration perhaps? I'm being trained not to believe in inspiration. 

OH and tomorrow is GINAS BIRTHDAY. We really must get together sometime this weekend if your free. If not, for sure during the week. I've got a present very long overdue for you.

The shit i'm feeling:

full

1. Mirah- Engine Heart
2. Ani Difranco- Fuel
3. The Von Bondies- Made In Japan
4. Beirut- After the curtain
5. Beck- Satan gave me a taco
6. M.I.A. - 10 $
7. PJ Harvey- It's you

I went to the library today. I'm so overwhelmed in literature and it's fucking fantastic. I got some Neruda, Garcia Marquez, Gogol, and McCullers.

The shit i'm feeling:	awake
The air i'm breathing:	Ani Difranco

When Ernesto "che" the hurricane hits i'll be ready. I wonder if after it passes people will call it a revolution. haha. Get it?.........yeah i know. Bad joke.......

The shit i'm feeling:	tired
The air i'm breathing:	PJ Harvey (please leave quitely)

And i'm sure you're tired of reading how half of your friends list school experiences are, But it deserves to be mentioned that for the first time in many years i am excited as hell to be in school. Even the most unbearable classes are well...bearable. I'm just going to take things one task at a time and not concentrate on the future so much, That's how i always screw myself over. Things feel good right now.....

I have some extra money for once and i'm itching for a good concert. It's just that time of year. Now to find the perfect show.....

The shit i'm feeling:	hungry
The air i'm breathing:	Ben Harper

On a whole other tone, I watched the movie 'The Dreamers' last night and *Deep Breath* WOW. i've never approved of incest before but.....Damn this is a hot brother/sister kink show. Before you judge me and tell me how disgusting i am, Watch it for yourself and tell me you don't agree.

Ok. I'll go back to watching Henry Rollins talk about giving Ann Coulter a good ass spanking now. Don't judge...............

Current Location:	My brothers room because my internet doesn't work :(
The shit i'm feeling:	amused
The air i'm breathing:	Ego Brain- System of a down